You caught me at the wrong time. If you would have asked me who I was a year ago, I would have had no problems answering the question. I was a freshman attending the University of California Los Angeles, studying in the field of biochemistry, and dreaming of getting into medical school in four years. I was a devoted boyfriend. I knew what I wanted for my future, and I was working my way towards it. I could have easily explained to you what it was that I did and why I did what I did. Now I’m not so sure. The “who I am” part is pretty much the same. I’m a second-year attending the University of California Los Angeles, studying in the field of biochemistry, and hoping that I can maybe sneak into medical school. I am single. The biggest difference between me a year ago and me now is that now, I have no idea what I want for my future, and I am no longer working (very hard) toward anything. It makes explaining what I do and why I do it extremely difficult.
I play a lot of video games and a lot of sports. I am one of the most competitive people I know and there something about competing that completes me. I express my love for competition through video games and sports. Lately, these forms of expression have transformed themselves into an outlet for me. I am in a point in my life where I have no idea who I am or where I am going and it terrifies me. Competition is what I use to take my mind off my problems. I focus on the task at hand and strive for my short term goal of winning. And it feels good to win. It makes me feel better. As horrible as it sounds, a lot of what I do is to make myself feel better. Short term boosts of confidence. Temporary satisfaction. Meaningless gratification. I am praying for the day when my actions affect more people than just myself.