A lot of anger dwells inside me. My mom recognized it ever since I was young. She use to always yelled at me for not studying or doing homework. On the other hand, she always mentioned that I was “very serious”. Of course I didn’t believe her then because I spent the majority of my days playing Aladdin on my console, jumping off walls, and not doing anything productive or relatively significant. I felt like I was an easy going kid, who carried out the standard juvenile behavior: I asked a lot of questions, pretended to know everything, and was almost always smiling.
Then, it happened. The innocence and sense of carefree joy slowly drifted farther and farther away from me. Years passed, and I slowly transformed into my mom’s prediction. Now, I stand as a being with a purpose. My demeanor and everyday activity has to be important. My tolerance has grown thin. The time for fun and games is minimal. If I see something I want, I work relentlessly to achieve it. People have frequently commented on my familiar angry visage. Even during fun nights out, I set expectations and goals and force myself to achieve them.
Some remnants of my childhood happiness lie deep inside me. I can still feel it. As of now, I am struggling internally; there are two people inside me. A part of me is full of emotion, commanding, and unrelenting. The other is at peace, calm, and genuinely happy. It is all a matter of balance, a matter of quantity. Too much emotion results in a life of pain and grief. Not enough emotion, my life would be nothing more than a lie.
I try to love the world. On the inside I truly do believe life is beautiful. My life is the culmination of this inner battle. I live every day of my life hoping that one day I will discover stability. I need to unite the conflicting personalities inside me. Many say life is about finding the correct balance. I can attest to that; every decision I make in life ultimately seeks to find that balance.