wdydwyd?

 

Most of my life's struggles have been battling the demons within myself. I lived in a selfish bubble as a child that popped one day and left me strewn in a thousand pieces on the hot, sticky cement—divorce, depression, division. Broken into so many shards, I strove to find a unitied persona—a me I could understand or even pretend to be. No one realizes how hard it is just to be sometimes. No one realizes the strength it takes to awaken every morning and exist in some solid state. For a very long time I didn't. I sought to escape. But being an inherently prudish child, I didn't escape through drugs or alcohol, sadly, but art and imagination. I read, still read, all the time, and when my mind longed to jump towards darker waters, I put down the knife and picked up the pencil. Then I designed, or painted, or sang, or spent a few hours dancing in my head with some celebrity crush. Yes, I was, and still am, very much in my head most of the time. That's probably why I started writing. My head was filled with so many things I couldn't express through fashion and charcoal, I tried words. It was a beautiful union, like punk-rockers to headbanging, or gel to messy curls, it just fit. Now originally, I was going to say I do what I do because I have so much imagination to spill forth on blank lives, and I need to do this art and become famous to help heal others. But, then I philosophized and pondered, stroking my non-existent beard for wisdom, and talking with my older, and far more intelligent, sister. I discovered that it was still a struggle to awaken every morning and exist, but I wrote, not just to release the idea-monsters clouding my head, but because writing gave a legitimate existence to my life. I don't know who I am necessarily, but I know I love to create. No matter what I do, I love the tangible practice of making something. When I create, I create me. I am me. I am the only me I really know. I write because it's how I prove I exist, how I show the world who I am,  and how I create and find joy in myself. And because I want to help others to find this same escape and identity through art.

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