Knowing what you want and how to obtain it is an easy goal to attain. However, when the road leads down another path, it can become frightening even frustrating and you get lost in your sense of direction. Your mind fills itself with thoughts of destruction, revenge, despair and you start hearing that shrieking voice telling you: "You have failed again".
The reason I wrote my first book was to discover what it is I had done all my life so wrong that I could not attain my goal. As I read my story over and over again, I still cannot understand why. Even at one point, I wondered why I wrote the book, what were my reasons. At first it was to seek out my independence, to prove to whole bunch of people (one in particular) that I wasn't a failure, that I could do something worthwhile with my life without him in it. I became so consumed with one person and could not let go of that feeling. As I headed on this journey towards my goal, I had no idea where it would take me. I never thought it would lead me to this day; today a little anger has set in because my determination has been taken over by weakness and I have lost focus on my future.
I know they say, we cannot change the past, nor alter the future, but I will disagree. When you know what you want out of life and are willing to sacrifice so much to get there, to have your piece of glory, you do nothing else but seed that road and feel the growth inside you. It is like when you plant a garden and you know there are critters coming in the night and pulling out those wonderful vegetables that took so long to grow. But you want those vegetables, so you start over, by planting more seeds in hopes that the critters will see that you will no give up. Some may see this in a negative way; continuing to plant seeds will only entice the critters to come back because they know you will continue to feed them. Thus are you a fool or are you determined?
There are times when you hit road blocks, facing you head on but you know you can bring those down. Unfortunately, people you cannot break; people who are not as determined or clear about their future and what they want are much more difficult to convince that what life has to offer them is beautiful and very fulfilling. You become that empty vessel wondering if you should change your goals and stir in another way. Determination then becomes fears and you lose control of your own thoughts.
I am stuck now and the goal I once had has been torn to pieces. I am living in a bubble and cannot break free. I will forever be lost in my determination and will have to accept that my future will forever be altered because someone has lost faith in me. He does not see me for what I am or what I have to offer.