wdydwyd?

When I think back at my life, I think: "Was it all worth it?"

I have written many words and blogs over the last year, all about my relationships, my feelings on love and have interacted many new friends online. Inspiring as some were, I often wonder how or where my thoughts come from. I never understood why it is I could never pinpoint the real reason for my existence and how important it was for me to be defined. Yesterday, for the first time in a month, I was proud of myself. I created what I feel is a masterpiece, a little bit of heaven to show the world how great I really am. Am I looking for approval? Greatness? Gratification? And Why?

I need this in my life; for better or worse, I need to know people love me and find me at least interesting if not a great person. Telling someone they are special is one thing, but I believe showing them is better. I truly believe love defines and alters our lives, whether good or bad, we can learn from being loved.

My search for love ended almost 5 years ago and what I thought would be magnificant turned out to be empty. The word "EMPTY" being, I was filling up someone else with all my love and never getting it in return. Is this really love? I am not sure. It is said that if you love and give you will get back 10 fold what you put into it. I can not say I believe this. However, does this mean I should give up on LOVE?

Stay tuned.

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