Putting aside your feelings for the sake of someone else’s is not always a good thing. You destroy theinner beauty, the very soul that lives within you and you can never take it back. I am such a victim, I can tell you my heart has never been the same. I have given up so much of my life for this one person, that I have become not only lost but have lost strength and belief in who I am.
For awhile, I was beginning to find my inner self and I know it is still there. But the burning question I have is why can’t I have it all? I want so much to find peace of mind again, I would do just about anything to sacrifice myself to get it. But what I really want is so unattainable, that’s it is slowing killing me. I mean emotionally, physically I feel totally doomed.

Even Christmas; this is always the best time of year for me. I love the first snowfall, I look forward to putting up my Christmas tree, decorate my house all is beautiful holies, and mistletoe but I can’t seem to bring myself to do that. It won’t be the same. I have lost that spirit and sad as it may seem, I have tried to find my joy of Christmas even for the sake of my children and grandchildren.

There comes a point where you just have to say ‘DO IT’ and when the time is right or by some miracle I will wake up one morning and realize this is life and I have face my fears, live for the moment and the hell with what people think or do.

I will never forget this email I got from a dear friend:

“Trust and verify”

Yes. It means you have to take responsibility for your own decisions. It also means that you are more in control of your own decisions and not blindly following someone else’s. I am a strong supporter of having your own opinion. Be rock-solid and do not be easily swayed by others selling their stories to you. You should be open to everyone’s ideas and opinions, but you should know that you do not have to follow a single one of their opinions if you do not agree with it.

This way, you get the best of both worlds. You stay true to yourself and your own opinions, but you are able to capitalize on good and great opinions or advices from others. Weed out the bad advice that will cause nothing but problems by verifying your facts.

Get one, two, three or more opinions if you have to in order to verify the advice. Do not be afraid to pass something up because you do not agree with it. Trust your instincts and your own decisions.

It is the way he wrote this that really hit me hard. It still amazes me how total strangers from far away care more about me than the ones I really love and cherish.

So for today, I will ponder on this whole Christmas and try to find the spirit I once had. Even if it’s for the children.

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