So That One Day Who I Want to Be Will Be Who I Am

Sometimes I feel like I’m hanging, suspended between who I want to be and who I’ve had to become in order to survive. I never wanted to be the girl who is too scared to let anyone close, to try anything new, or to put myself out there. I never wanted to end up with a mental disorder that subjects me to stigma and disdain. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder isn’t something you can medicate or cure. Like the events in my past that caused it, I will have to live with and struggle against PTSD for the rest of my life. The things I’ve seen in my past, and the mistakes that I’ve made, have consequences that continue to impact my life. However, my experiences can be used to help others. People often come to me for advice, and I can usually give them advice from first-hand experience, because I’ve probably been through the same thing. If I can help even one person overcome and obstacle or painful event and move on to live their lives happily, then I will have found a means of getting one step closer to becoming the person I want to be. People have asked me why I am willing to put so much of myself into helping others, when it would make so much more sense to ignore all extraneous drama and try to live what’s left of my life as happily as I can. But this is the only thing I know of that has a chance at really making me happy, for the first time I can remember. I have made a lot of mistakes and been hurt by a lot of people; if I can prevent others from doing those same things or at the very least be there for them and help them recover, then maybe I will finally be able to recover myself. I want to help others; that is who I want to be. And maybe that is the only way to repay for what I’ve done. I want to be the person who can use the awful things that have happened to her in order to help others. I do what I do because I want who I want to be to finally be who I am.

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