When you are in a room with all the people that you love, and you just don’t feel like you fit in anymore. You feel like the relationships would be better formed between the others if you weren’t there, because they all have more things in common. You look at yourself and think that they all feel bad for you, which is why they are all “friends” with you to begin with. When the one person you could ever talk to about anything is the last person you want to talk to. That person is the person you are checking for—to see if they are online when you get on—just so you know whether or not to show that you are online. You get a text from a friend and they invite you to hang out with everyone, and you just feel guilty about it. You consider going, but you think it is better for you to stay home and away from everyone. You keep making excuses for not going to church, but that isn’t because you don’t want to go anymore, but you can’t afford to go every week. Bills just get in the way and you can’t afford the gas to go this week. You just cause trouble or get in the way everywhere you go. You are just sinking. You keep sinking. You have weights tied to you, but you can’[t even get to them or see them because you aren’t even sinking in water, you are sinking in mud. Slowly. Painfully. The worst part is that nobody even notices that you have been slowly asphyxiating on the dirt and water. They don’t know that you are close to your breaking point. They don’t know that you don’t even know what you need. They don’t know that even though you love them, seeing them is killing you.
They don’t really see you.