Can we be so consumed by just one individual, that we lose ourselves in the process? Living in the world wondering what is real and what is fantasy? I can imagine many people may rethink this question. I am a victim of unconditional love and I cannot get away from it. I have tried over and over to let go of this intense feeling, but I do wonder if I am not supposed too. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be, a life lesson. But this lesson is becoming very hard on me.
In the last three weeks, I have been facing quite a few fears, fears which I truly believed would make me a better person or at least make me feel good about taking such a big step in my life. Another roller coaster ride has begun and I not at all happy. I have given my love over and over again to only one person and it has brought me more pain and sorrow that you could ever imagine. Why do I do this to myself? Well, I have asked that question for many years now. It is like I am on a quest, a journey seeking for someone to fulfill all my inner good.
On the outside I am this fun-loving, warm ambitious woman, I make all kinds of people happy with my crazy sense of humor, I pretend that life is just a mere adventure and that we should never take life seriously. But on the inside, I am dying with fear, feeling unappreciated, no determination, and have lost all the good that I once had. When you give your whole heart and soul away and keep giving it away at some point you have nothing left to give. I always thought it would be a feeling I could never lose; what I did not realize is that I have never really loved myself enough. I should have kept a reservoir just in case I needed it.
Well, I need some love back. I have drowned so much that I do not feel anything anymore. As I sat around yesterday just staring out the window, my body was telling me how much damage I had caused myself. I was feeling weak, tired, sick to my stomach and just felt like shutting myself from the world. This is not a good thing especially since I used to be such a good person, full of life. Funny how I know all the symptoms but I just can't seem to fix myself. I can't begin to love myself enough to be better.
I still feel as if I have lost my control because of the power of another soul. Even if I try and escape, keep busy, I have that aching feeling of anxiety, nervousness, and sorrow. Mood swings are a terrible thing for me, I experience them quite often and for years I didn't know how to deal with them. I can make a firm decision one minute and then be sorry for it the next. I feel very rejected, abandoned, and damaged beyond repair.
So how can I find the unconditional love for myself that I have longed for? Where do I begin that journey? For today, I will just remember to breathe.