How do you prepare yourself for the end of your life? How can you? How can you “prepare” to confront death, man’s greatest fear? This question is important because many people ironically live their life based on what they expect when they die. I have not yet found a complete answer to my existence after death but I am still searching, pondering. Many suggestions have been offered by various groups and friends but none are satisfactory or believable. After four years of probing for an answer, I am beginning to form an adequate answer of my own. This is how I live, how I prepare for the end of my life, why I do what I do.
(Alarm shrieks…. snoozed)
Damn, school again?! Im too tired… sleeping is much more appealing…
(Alarm shrieks again… turned off)
Heh, wake me again now!… Make our parents proud, prove to us that we can achieve, be a doctor, help those in need. Meet an awesome girl…GET UP NOW
(Walking to class)
Why… why, why are you walking on your left! If you just stayed on your right side there wouldn’t be a problem… I don’t like how he stares straight at my eyes, challengingly, walking toward me… we will collide soon… he is about my size, maybe smaller, if he won’t move, I will try to make him… This is NOT why we go to the gym, why we exercise. We run into him and we are no better than a bully, move out of the way, show some self control, move out of the way and be a gentleman. MOVE
I…I…I just backed off from a direct challenge. I am such a wimp. I bet everyone around me thinks I’m a pussy. It doesn’t matter, they don’t matter. If that is how they feel, they aren’t people we want to be with… look up, carry on, smile, don’t dwell, SMILE
(After class at my research lab)
Fuck, FUCK! Another experiment with disappointing results! Why do these things go wrong so often? My graduate student tells me this happens all the time, to just do it again. I am pretty sure he is just saying that, he thinks I messed up. I don’t WANT to do it again, I don’t want to spend another six hours on an experiment that can go wrong half the time, it just is not worth it. I will do it again, I am sure as hell not going to enjoy it but I will just keep fucking doing it until it works or he gives up and we move on. This is not how we want to be viewing things. Fail and try again with conviction, not resentment. No one likes an attitude like this, we don’t like an attitude like this. The experiment did not fail, we did, and we will make sure not to fail again. Persevere, SUCCEED
I feel there is a little voice inside my head guiding me on how I should behave. I feel great when I listen, guilty when I don’t. It sounds a little crazy, maybe a lot crazy, but I’ll be alright… I will be alright.
No matter what happens when I die, if I lived a great life, a life where I stayed honest to myself, a life with no regrets, in my last moments, I will be ready.