I am dead inside. People tell me I’m heartless and cold, they tell me that I am a rock. I associate being strong with being without emotions, but I recently learned that if I cut off my emotions, I might as well be dead. I do what I do because I don’t know who I am or what I like to do. I do what I do because I have been numb for so long and I am currently trying to revive my sense of feeling. I used to think I was lost, but my friend told me that I am not lost but rather in the process of being found.
People ask me, “What do you like to do?” and it usually shouldn’t be a hard question to answer, but I still have difficulty. What do I like to do? I like to bike, read, bake, dance, and form meaningful friendships. All those activities are enjoyable but I don’t love to do them. The only activity that I am sure of is learning. I learn because I am trying to find out what I am passionate about. Having nothing to be passionate about makes me feel dead inside and lifeless. I get pangs of jealousy when I observe dancers who are so in love with dancing, that they could dance forever. I am jealous of people that are so driven about their passion that they could die happy just doing that one thing they love so much. I want to feel alive and find something that I am so passionate about, it makes others lost in awe, curl their toes, and grunt with disgust. I’ve been dead and now I am ready to re-connect with the world. I am ready to feel infinite. I am ready to live.