The question had been raised, “why do you do the things you do?” At first I thought this was odd question. It must be because I enjoy them or because they are necessary. After further consideration I realized that there are few things in life that I actually do because they are a part of who I am. I play basketball because its therapy. I can go out on the court and pound the ball against the steal gray concrete and know that the rhythm of the ball and the momentum of my body will somehow make me feel better. It is as if with every bounce of the ball my worries and insecurities get transferred from me into the ball and onto the court to be trampled on by everyone who is playing the game. It is funny thinking about why that is important to me. I think the reason is that like most human beings at this age all I am is a body that houses emotion and fear. My day-to-day feelings are so dynamic that if they weren’t released by some energy they would consume me. In one day I will worry about whether or not I am a good man, then laugh with my friends.
The scariest part is that sometimes I don’t go for the things in life I want because I’m scared that I’m not worthy of having them. Isn’t that the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard? I think the better question for me is why don’t I do the things I should do? Life is an amazing trip and I guess I’m not stopping at all the sights along the way. I drive by and watch from a distance. I get enough of a glimpse that I can say just the right amount to convince someone I’ve been but never enough to convince my self.
So after writing this short piece I can’t help but think now that this is on paper and not being pounded away on court somewhere, what do I do? I can’t keep pretending to live life like the man I think I ought to be, but rather live life trying to become the man I know I can be.