I am a paranoid perfectionist. My perfectionism is likely caused by my biggest fear: being inferior. I always avoid being inferior by striving for perfection. My worries about doing wrong or being inferior often get the best of me. When it comes to school, I study harder than needed because I must get that ‘A’. I might even study material the professor said is not important because I am paranoid that a question about it might show up. Every time I enter a new class, I am worried that I am inferior to the rest of the students. One would think that this worry drives me to get good grades, but it is more complicated than that as I might immediately quit certain tasks if I do not feel superior to others. My fear of inferiority has kept me from shining in various events throughout my life. For example, I’ve played baseball since I was seven and whenever I was the best person on the team, I played like an all-star. However, when I was on a team of all-stars, I played like a benchwarmer. This mind game kept me from being a college athlete and troubles me to this day.
I often follow set routines to make myself feel more confident that things are done correctly. For example, I always triple check my filing work at my job because I am worried about making a mistake. Being stuck in routines is a weakness that I hate about myself but these routines alleviate my paranoia. For example, I often get paranoid about if I locked my car so I always press the lock button twice. In addition, I am paranoid about the gate at my house being closed as it keeps the dogs from running away, so I always close the gate, look away, and then run my fingers over the lock to make sure it is closed. Why do I go through these routines? Maybe I am scared of making a mistake or maybe I am just paranoid.