Life for me is about relationships. They start as little lego pieces without instructions, and some fit together somewhat-perfectly but most of them I don't know what to do with and put aside for later. Mostly I never find those pieces again.
I bullshit a lot (i.e. “Friends with benefits” benefits both parties in ways that real relationships could never achieve). I think the first step for change is to be honest with yourself. But often times I don't even know who I am on the inside, just the fundamentals like everyone else -- a self-image in a constant flux of change. The next logical step of course, is to move on to being honest with people. People think of me as this happy-go-lucky quirky boy, an innocent and nice but weird soul. They are of course mostly right; I treat people with respect and I'm positive(ly) strange most of the time. I seem very open in my opinions, most of which I do not believe in. Ridiculous abnormal (sometimes immoral) opinions that make people cringe or laugh, or both. Why? For the sake of being funny in some situations and as a defense mechanism in others. I keep it real, but not too real, hoping people will realize the words I say are for fun because I don't know how to express the truth, hoping people will realize that I am a different person than my words might imply.
Periodically, when I have bullshitted out all I can and creativity escapes me, I sink back into solitude because I feel unconnected with people. Relationships tire me out, and for me who needs to be liked and respected by people in order to respect myself, it's not even a choice anymore. I get depressed when I can't talk to people. And on days like today when I am altogether unsure if this sort of relationship-orientated attitude suits an introvert like me, I repeat to myself one very wise phrase, “Don't feel sorry for yourself, only assholes do that.” There's comfort in hiding in a dark dorm room with a bag of lays watching television swallowed by insecurities, but there's relief in actually leaving this save little cave to venture out if only to have an awkward conversation with a friend.
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