Gosh, why do I do what I do? Life is funny that way, and I rarely contemplate the meaning of my existence.
It can take only one thing to bring you fame or infamy, a lifetime of recognition or obscurity. I would prefer not to be remembered for one event that shapes my life and legacy.
As an only child, people imagine that there is pressure to be exceptional since my parents have only one progeny on which to base their worth as parents. As a young child, I wanted one of two things with all my heart, a sibling or a puppy. My parents waited long enough to get me the latter so I stopped hoping for a brother or sister. All the pressure to succeed fell to me.
I pushed myself and worried and stressed, and felt ok. I recently worried about planning for the summer, the rest of my academic career, graduate school, and post-grad training. I stressed about when to have kids and where to move and start a life for myself. I was breaking down because I knew what I was going to do and I didn’t necessarily want to get there. While letting go and not clinging to a major goal in life was difficult and the many possibilities now seem frightening, having options is a breath of fresh air. I was so focused on one narrow path that I never took the opportunity to look around and consider that I could choose something else. Finally, I can be anything I want to be, and I don’t have to choose now. Even if I choose wrong, it’s ok. I can start over and do something else. I just have to take the opportunity to make mistakes.
There has been no shining or defining moment in my life that made me realize what I am here for on Earth, but I have realized that it my mission in life to live, if only just for now. If you worry too much about the future, it ruins the present. As Ferris Bueller said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” So right now, I am trying to overcome the overwhelming urge to plan the next ten years of it and just live my life.
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