When I look back in my past, I can only remember the bad things that have happened. People never understand what I’ve been through, but somehow I’m okay with that because then no one can remind me of what I’ve been through. Family has been my biggest support system for as long as I can remember. Without them, I am nothing. With them, I am happy, heartbroken, stressed, excited, motivated, devastated, eager, and embarrassed. We all have those moments with our family, yet we love them so much that we can’t stand but deal with what we have been given. Growing up, things weren't so complicated. Just your ordinary family dealing with the everyday issues of life, financial burdens and attempting to live the life we all strive for. We had to deprive ourselves of many things because my parents were scared of being caught without papers. Luckily that’s fixed. Now this leads me to today. What happened? Did I do something wrong? Am I a disappointment? Was I supposed to deal with these hardships and simply live life for what it’s worth? If so, then why do I feel like I am being punished? When will I know for sure where my life will lead me?
High school was fun and horrible. First of all, too much bullshit. Second of all, everyone wants to know everything about everyone. Once again, bullshit. Therefore, when I told a few people my little secret, everyone wanted to know like they were the fucking paparazzi. Up till this day, I don't understand why my life is so important for them. It’s like a joke, yet nothing is funny when it's my life they're ridiculing. Being bisexual has deprived me of being happy. How so? Well, since my family is really important to me, they had to know what was going on in my life. They found out through a text. Not perfectly executed, but at least they found out. Their response was therapy. My response was "You're kidding, right?” Why would I want someone else to know about my life? True, someone else could help me figure out all this crap, but I’d rather deal with it on my own.
I chose my own form of therapy: laughter. It’s all around me; it’s who I am, and I get people high on it. It is my drug. It’s one of the only positive things in my life. You don't agree? Well tell me this, what am I supposed to do in a situation where your own parents aren't accepting of who you are? Then how do you deal with a situation where your parents tell you that they have been living a lie themselves and decide that their love ended a long time ago? Yes, they decided on getting a divorce. How the hell do I cope with that? I'm the baby of the family. I'm the only one who still fully depends on my parents. What am I supposed to do when I go home? Who do I visit? By the way, did I mention I might be losing my house? Where am I going to live? I wonder if those assholes from high school still think my life is something to be ridiculed. Well it isn't. I'm only a student, a son, a grandson. When will my life be decided? How do I make the right choice in life? I try to avoid these thoughts, but it’s my life. I obviously think about it every day.
The only thing I know how to do is laugh. It’s what the doctor ordered: my prescription, medicine, my drug. When life is good, I laugh. When life puts me down, I try to turn it around and think of something else. Something perhaps more fulfilling in life. Laughter is always there for me. It’s my pick-me-up. People always ask me why I’m so happy all the time. Well, if they were to read this, they would know why. Have you found what's always there for you?
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