For the most part, I do things out of fear; fear of failure, fear of letting people – family and friends – down, fear of the unknown, f ear of judgment. As a result, all my actions are safe and calculated. I do things that others do first and that others deem interesting, cool and “normal”. Most would say I am a classic insecure introvert. But, I am not afraid to do something out of my comfort zone, as long as someone else is first to shave their head, chat with a homeless man or admit they didn’t know where Ghana was. And it is not just my actions; I am also constantly comparing my thoughts and beliefs to others’. How would so and so react to this news, I’d think to myself. This makes sense since I was always compared to the future Obamas, Einsteins and Gates by my parents when I was growing up. “Stanley started his own business… Terry made Head Boy… Look how hard your father worked…” Look how well Jack and Jill can fetch water, I’d think in defiance, trying to make their juxtapositions seem absurd and irrelevant. But it got to me. I couldn’t escape their way of thinking. Now the only way I can evaluate myself is against others. I am constantly thinking about how I compare to the next person – most of the time I fall short. This probably hasn’t had a good affect on how I perceive myself.
The other side of me wants to disregard what everyone else does and do my own thing because I want to. Or because I can. I desperately want not to be desperate. I want to feel secure and fully know what I want to do. In some ways, I have achieved this. For one, most people I know see me as a loud, outgoing person. I do what I do to make this image of me, me… so long as I don’t ruffle any feathers.
PS- This sounds depressing, but I love life.
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