“Failure is not an option” is probably one of the most overused lines in action films or videogames. But for me it really is not an option. No, the fate of the entire galaxy does not rest on my shoulders; rather my state of mind is in jeopardy. Most people fear spiders or clowns the most, but my greatest fear is experiencing failure in any form. Whether it is losing a volleyball game or letting down my parents or friends on a daily basis, all these throw me into a depressed state of mind. It is strange though, I do not care if I “win,” as long as I do not “lose.”
It was near the end of my senior year in high school, right in the middle of our school’s volleyball season. The setting was right before our second league game, and I had been thrust into the starting libero spot because my friend’s dad forced him to quit the team to focus on his grades. I was incredibly nervous; I had only been playing for a little over a year and I had to start for my high school’s varsity team!? My heart pounded as I stepped onto the court. Nervous as I was though, I had a strange feeling it would not turn out so bad. We might even win the game! False. We lost in straight games in what was probably the most winnable game on our league schedule. The libero’s responsibility is to pass a clean ball to the setter so we could get a clean hit off. I could not pass a cold even if I sneezed in someone’s face that day. It is pretty safe to say I lost the game for our team. Seeing my teammate’s disappointed faces after the game just broke my spirit. We had seven seniors on the team, all of which were my close friends. I went home feeling terrible about ruining the game for them. I went home feeling that a lot, since we ended the year completely winless. Sure, losing all those games sucked but what broke me was seeing my friend’s disappointed faces after every game. They would never blame me, of course, but that just made it feel even worse. My failures ruined a significant part of my friends’ senior year, and I have not been able to get past it.
That was just one instance of my failure causing pain to people I care about, but it also applies to other parts of my life, especially my grades. My friends commend me on my work ethic, often teasing me that I do not need to study this hard. I study hard not so I can get into a good graduate school or to make lots of money, but so I do not experience failure. Some might suspect this attitude to come from my Asian parents, but my parents were actually very different from the stereotype. Alright, so maybe it was just my dad who was different. But even with my mom constantly lecturing me I did not study hard to calm her anger. She never did get angry. Whenever I would bring home a low test score my parents would never yell at me. Rather, they would just look disappointed and tell me “I know you can do better.” They were right, I can do better, and seeing them disappointed in me really hit home. I wanted to make my parents proud and happy, not disappointed and sad. I work hard every day to not fail and make them proud.
As much as I have been sulking over this fear of mine, I have to admit it has brought me great success. I am proud of my grades and proud of the type of person and friend I have become. Even so, I would never wish this state of mind on anybody. I find it incredibly hard to take joy in my successes. A good test score or any other success just means I did just enough to not screw up. Maybe I was just lucky. On the other side of the coin a failure is enough to ruin my day and sometimes beyond. I let down myself and others, a feeling I have come to hate and fear. Maybe it is more appropriate to call disappointing myself and others as my greatest fear, but either way it is a feeling I avoid at all costs. Failure is never an option.
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