I'm not a saint. I yell. I manipulate. I cause tears.
6th Grade End of the Year Award Ceremony.
“And the Citizen of the Year award goes to... Calvin Cam!” I walk onto stage with a big smile. A smile that hides disappointment for not acquiring the Student of the Year award. I walk off stage with the nice shiny plaque.
This was the first of many big citizenship awards to come. I don't deserve the awards though. There are end goals for me and being nice is just a method to achieve those goals. However, before I have a crowd of angry people with pitchforks surrounding me, remember, I'm not a saint.
All I could remember when I was young was being taught to succeed. My mom even taught me math on such a fast pace to the point that the elementary teachers thought I cheated. My parents taught me morals too so I swear I did not cheat. With that being said, I actually do not think I'm an evil person. I may be nice for the wrong reasons, but are those reasons really why I'm being nice? I find myself wondering why I help others even when I do not benefit. I have had plenty of opportunities to turn my back on strangers yet I still offer to help. When I can not help, I feel guilty or disappointed in myself. Sometimes I even help others before my own needs which is ridiculous in theory.
Is this the good of humanity then? I don't know. I still have those end goals that drive me. But whenever I look into the eyes of someone, I feel empathetic. I help others while helping myself. That can't be manipulative kindness, right? Maybe the awards are just the 'cherry on top' to my final goal. There are probably many people who have this dilemma of true versus manipulative kindness and what kind they have. I say forget it! We are all have our own end goals. Regardless of overall intentions, I think I'll risk helping you. In the end, I'm just like you. I cause tears. I manipulate. I yell.
We aren't saints.
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