The cue

[Christine Hotaru Naya]

I am the girl who can walk around a campus with 38,476 students and say hi to at least two to three people every time. I am a Resident Assistant on the hill, who works in a team of 28 other student leaders, and has 34 residents she looks after on her floor. I am a supervisor at the UCLA store, who manages 5 other students. I am a research assistant who works with 4 other undergraduates to run a lab. I am a popular girl, who has 877 friends on facebook. But everytime I’m with people, without people, hanging out, not hanging out…I’m scared. I’m scared one day people won't like me anymore, for who I am or who i'm not.

 

And because of this, I always try too hard to impress people. I mean, how else am I going to get people to like me? It’s so hard for me to say no to favors, not attend parties, or not spend time with people. I make so many sacrifices I later regret just so I make sure people would like me.

 

Sometimes its so bad to the point where I focus so much on making sure I’m liked in a group, that I forget to truly enjoy the time I spend with them. Sometimes, I even lose sight of who I am...I can't tell the difference between what I want for myself and what others want from me. I am aware of all of this, and still I cannot help it.

 

Do they know who I really am? If they knew, would they still like me? Even reading my own words right now, I get sick to the stomach. I just sound like a sympathy-craving spoiled brat, who doesn't appreciate all her blessings in life. And I know I'm happy, I know I'm lucky, I know I'm loved. But unfortunately, this is how insecure I am...for no apparent reason. Just what is it going to take to prove to me that I am worthwhile?

 

 

Wdydwyd? Because if I don't, I'm afraid everyone is waiting for a cue to turn and run