tired of this world

[anonymous submissions]

I have no fancy text or picture, I'm just looking to see if there's anyone who I can talk to right now. I am no orphan or a victim of child abuse. My problems started however when my father left me when I was two, I told myself all my life that it wasn't his choice that his job required him to, even though he lived in so many other places that were so far from where I was. My two older half sisters, who's biological father was a drug addict and convict who never tried to be a part of their life, used to ridicule me, beat me up, call me "Daddy's little princess" growing up because even though my dad sees them as his own, they still took out their pain on me. Even though I was left just as much as they were. So, naturally, my mother would always take a favor to them, and my little sister who was full blooded but didn't get to know our father. Then when I was ten, he and his new wife moved to where we were. I don't know the specific reasons why since I was so young, but we ended up moving in with them. Then three years later I'm told that he was going to move again, out of state, from California to Indiana, and we had to choose where we went. I was only centered on wanting to know my dad that I didn't think about how that would hurt my mother or my little sister who followed me where I went. We moved, and not two years later I learn that my mother had arranged for my sister to go stay with her, not me. I understood, it broke my heart when she would wake me in the middle of the night crying that she missed mom, it reminded me of all the years I cried by myself. What I can't understand to this day is what did I do wrong to make my own mother not tell me about these arrangements and offer the same for me? It has been 5, almost 6, years now since I've seen the both of them and I hardly get a text message. My two older sisters have been grown and have families of their own, I haven't heard form one of them even longer than 6 years and the other has been around 4. Now I'm 20, living in my own place with a man who've I've loved more than any other guy, more than I thought I could love or trust a guy, and even though he's hit me, chocked me, broke my nose, to this day I still care that he loves me, even though that tonight he kicked me out of the car and made me have to hitchhike "home" I still want so badly for things to want to have worked out between us. He says that I only bring out the worst in him, the part that he didn't even know he had. I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know if I feel so strongly because I was pregnant with his child or if me never having any form of foundation, and female role-model, if that's what made me become this person who is incapable, undeserving, of a real relationship with a person, but I'm just tired of this world and being in it.


This blog post was submitted Anonymously

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