Why I Do What I Do

[Molly Howland]

Judge Judy has got nothing on me; I am the meanest judge of all. However, it is not other people who feel the wrath of my criticism; it is myself.It is a typical school night. In my mind, I have established all the things I want to get done by bedtime, which often include assignments that are not even due the next day. I get cracking, but soon I get bored, and like any other teenager would do, I go on Facebook. I stay on for five minutes longer than I had planned. “Why did I do that?” I think to myself angrily. “I could have finished five whole physics problems during that time!”I continue working until bedtime. My sister comes in to say good night and I say it back. But then I think about what I just said: “She went out of her way to say good night to me, why did I just mumble a response back? I need to be a better big sister.”I climb into bed, still a little worried about not being a good enough big sister. Then I remember something I had said to my friend earlier and ask myself, “Why did I phrase it like that? That sounded so dumb.” I fret about this for a good twenty minutes. Then I realize, I should be asleep right now! So I stress out about how I need to be better at clearing my mind so I can sleep, and so on.To some degree, these high expectations I’ve set for myself have made me a conscientious student and athlete as well as an integrity-driven person, but I go overboard with the self-criticism when I don’t meet these standards. Deep down I know that it is impossible to be a perfect student or sister or conversationalist or any of the other roles I’ve taken on in my life, but it is going to take a lot of practice to eliminate this recurrent worrying that has resulted from the too high standards I have set for myself.